||[Dec. 15th, 2005|12:53 am]
the simply raw
i'm not sure what i should say or even if i should say anything at all. i'd like to think that i'm over you by now. i should have moved on, and believe me, i want to. back when we were first going crazy about each other, i was putzing around on livejournal killing time and (call me a stalker) i read old entries of your livejournal. but that's what you do when you can't get enough of someone. you want to know everything about them -- how they are, who they are, who they were. i read entries you wrote before "us", entries you wrote before you even knew me, entries you wrote when you first started your journal. i caught a few entries of you talking briefly about your ex, wanting to find love after her but feeling hopeless. remembering that, i know you must know how i feel right now.
it's not a longing for you. it's a rememberance of us. it's rememberance of a love i once had...a love that i yearn for. not you, but the love itself. the love is personified through you because you were the only love i knew...if that makes any sense. so i remember you in our fondest of memories and i hold dear the softness of your lips (they were always naturally and perfectly moisturized). i don't even call you my ex-boyfriend when i talk about you from time to time. still knowing you are, indeed, my ex, the letter 'x' has so many negative connotations to it, and i'd like to keep the memory of you positive. i find myself using the term "my boyfriend at the time."
it's the loneliness i hate and yet everyone i encounter just doesn't seem worth it. ever since you swept me off my feet, i demand every boy do the same. show me you want me. come and get me. fly across the ocean for me. i dare you. no one has been sweetly persistent or darlingly aggressive enough to warm the heart of the ice queen. but at the same time, there hasn't been anyone who's caught my attention strongly enough to hold it. i've always been one to never show interest until interest has been shown to me first. it's not a rule, just the way i work. i am really open to love...i'm just...a little cautious about it. the boys that do catch my attention, i usually dismiss as one who will break my heart...even before knowing them. i just run myself in circles here.
i now wonder if anyone can make the cut. you've heightened my standards for love so much that even you couldn't live up it to yourself. as you seemed to grow weary, so did your efforts in making me feel loved, and i indirectly demanded more from you and threatened to leave if they weren't met. i was never really going to leave you...and i never thought you would be the one to leave me. you seemed like you never would.
i always wanted you to be cautious of what you said. you jumped so fast and fell so hard, i couldn't react in time to catch you. i tried to keep you from saying "i love you" too soon. everything you said was said too soon. "love, marriage, forever." i tried to stay level-headed in the beginning, i honestly did, but the giddy little girl in me longed to hear those words. those words that kept me secure in your arms. and you did it. you swept me off my feet. i started falling.
your spark flamed so quickly. and when mine started burning hotter and stronger, you began to burn out when i began to burn bright. that's when my flame ate yours...and that's when you doused our flame with the coldest of water.
i do understand it. i've analyzed it all. and with all the thought and crazy, winding "coulda, woulda, shoulda's," it all boils down to one thing: it wasn't meant to be...plain and simple. i just wished we didn't speak of forever so much for me to hope for it.